Ugh, this has been one of those mornings when every word has to be dragged kicking and screaming onto the page. Definitely one for the re-writes.
Music II:
The read-through proceeded straightforwardly enough. Arthur, flipping through the script, was disappointed to discover how few lines he had. Elsa, of course, had the lion's share, followed by Dorsday. Arthur looked across at Brandhofer, and discovered the man was following the text with his finger, his lips moving silently as he read, and had to repress a contemptuous grin. The fellow was barely literate. Sure enough, when it came to reading his own lines aloud, Brandhofer stumbled over the longer words, his pronunciation a vile mixture of local dialect and proper German. When he came to the end of Dorsday's proposal to Elsa – that he would pay off her father's gambling debts in return for being allowed to look at her naked for fifteen minutes – he looked up at the director, frowning in puzzlement.
"'Tain't right," he said. "He do be a right twisted one, this Dorsday. What does he want to be looking at little girls without their clothes on for?"
BPE (A bit of plotting. This fits in somewhere before Tommy orders Jim to seduce Dildo):
JIM: That creepy kid's still out there.
DILDO: Zoe?
JIM: How do you remember the names of all these losers?
DILDO: Maybe it's because I care?
JIM: Oh yeah, I forgot, you're a nice person. Well, Zoe the Zombie's watching the door, hoping to collar us when we come out. "Pleeeease, Mister, I wanna be on TeeeVeee!"
DILDO: Don't call her that. It's mean.
JIM: But she looks like a zombie. Did you see the way she shambles about? And her skin's that awful grey colour. What do you reckon she's got in that bag?
DILDO: All her worldly goods, probably. She's got "runaway" written all over her. Parents are alcoholics, I'd guess. Or she's got an abusive stepfather. Something like that.
JIM: Maybe it's her stepfather's head she's got in the bag. (Off DILDO'S LOOK) Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I'm not a nice person.
The play is called Fraeulein Elsa. It's an adaptation from a very short story by Arthur Schnitzler, told as a monologue by Elsa herself (she ends up killing herself, poor kid). It's not what I would have chosen myself, but it's the one Brandhofer actually appeared in, so I'm stuck with it.
The Trykor's docking hatch led to a corridor somewhat similar to the Sedener's, but comparing the two would be like saying a tiger is just a bigger cat. It was considerably wider, enough to drive a few tanks through two abreast, and someone who wasn’t colour blind and completely without taste or imagination, had chosen dignified shades of blue and grey to colour its walls.
The greeting party, if that was what it was, outnumbered them by two to one. The Admiral - it was hard to mistake the row of stars stuck on his ranking strip - was a tall, imposing man with thinning brown hair and shrewd, judging grey eyes. Beside him was an officer, a sub-commander by rank, plus a lieutenant and an assortment of troopers wearing side arms.
Captain Tarn stood to attention as his own small party lined up behind him. "Admiral." "Captain…Tarn, is it?" "Yes, sir."
Verel's eyes raked the line behind him, homing in on Adrian's impassive face. "And Stannis?" Tarn turned and introduced his men. "This is Lieutenant Stannis and…" The Admiral said, "The Lieutenant will follow my first officer, Sub-Commander Chell." "I don't understand, sir," Tarn looked uncertainly at the Admiral.
Verel was no longer paying attention to Tarn. His voice was like tempered metal as he addressed Adrian. "I expect my orders to be followed immediately, Lieutenant." Chell said, "This way."
There was no reaction on Adrian's face as he followed the first officer. He no longer had any expectations, that way nothing could surprise him anymore. Four guards fell into step behind him. Kali was about to go after them but Bryce blocked her with a case.
Tarn said, “Admiral, the Lieutenant has agreed to cooperate, you...” “Are you presuming to tell me what to do, Tarn?” Before the Admiral, the rest of them were faceless nuisances, without even benefit of rank. “No, Admiral, I would never presume. It’s just...” Tarn was a prudent man, though less charitable, narrow-minded people might have a different name for him. “Nothing, sir.” “Good. I was afraid you had something further to add.” “No, nothing.” “You’re dismissed.” “Yes, sir.”
Captain Tarn looked briefly at Kali and then he turned and went back down the docking tunnel. A lonely figure fleeing the scene of battle.
This is getting interesting! I thought, at first, that it was following the plot of B7, but it's gone off on its own path. I wonder what the admiral wants Adrian for? Nothing good, evidently.
It's not a male-dominated society. There are other women on the ship. I just haven't included any in the story, although I did mention there were other female officers onboard. There will be some in the story once they go over to the other ship.
You can blame my brain for that. I was trying to come up with other names for Vila and it kept coming up with silly sounding ones so I settled on Bryce. I have no idea where that came from and my brain is not telling me.
Just a dialogue between My Original and still Utterly Beloved Heroes - yes, it's Blakes 7, follows on from - and slightly changes - that little misunderstanding in the last episode :) and 'tis here (http://sallymn.livejournal.com/430483.html).
I got the Apple drabble (http://community.livejournal.com/tolkien_weekly/604003.html) finished, hooray! Now I can focus on the Swordspoint thing for the rest of the weekend with a clear conscience.
Thanks! It's pleasant to think that, after all Faramir and Eowyn had been through, that the world could be drawn down to the three of them in that cozy,comfortable room.
I added 410 new words to progress the story today, and added in a couple of pieces of exposition ito yesterday's work in response to vilakins' comment.
Today's extract:
Letting Zack have first use of the shower, Rob settled himself on the big bed, leaning back against the pillows and surveying the posters as he opened his beer. Zack's tastes hadn't changed much over the past two years. He still liked the old bands that he had been to see with his Dad. One or two newer ones had crept in amongst the densely packed pictures, but they followed the pattern of being instrumentalists that Zack's Dad might appreciate just as much.
Rob preferred random synth sounds to anything created deliberately by humans, but he would go to gigs with Zack when asked. Mostly Zoe came along too, although her taste in music was different again. She liked ancient stuff: Second-wave Psychobilly and Rocka-Rolla-Disco, although the latter seemed to be undergoing a revival right now with new songs by new bands, in the old style, appearing on some of the popular music streams.
He wondered what time Zoe would get back. Hopefully she would understand that Staff Sergeant Campbell had ordered him to stay here tonight, and not try to make him go home before Zack got back from training.
The shower stopped running, and a couple of minutes later Zack came into the room, towelling his hair dry, his skin flecked with drops of water.
“You'd better get yourself sorted out,” he said. “I can smell the smoke on your clothes from over here.” He opened a drawer, and pulled out a set of training casuals. “You can borrow these.” He threw them onto the bed, closing that drawer and opening another. “If you put your clothes through the machine now, they should be dry and pressed in time for breakfast.”
I still haven't got around to introducing Zoe, but hopefully she'll turn up tomorrow.
So Zack's in the army, but they let Rob, who I assume is a civilian, stay the night? How is Zoe connected? Zack's sister or even twin perhaps? Is she military too?
I like the automatic cleaner and presser. I often think that future people will look back on today and wonder about all the tedious manual stuff we had to do. :-)
Zack's a cadet, and an army brat. Zoe's his older sister, and they live on the base because their father is still officially MIA rather than being declared Missing Pressumed Dead. Zoe is taking time out from university until Zack's officially old enough to look after himself.
Rob's the Prime Minister's son, and was at military school with Zack until two years earlier, when his father decided to send him to boarding school.
Rob's holidays have started, but Zack's haven't. One of the scenes I recycled from the old version had Campbell tracking them down to tell Zack that he was supposed to be on a training exercise (Zack genuinely didn't get the message), but that he would smooth things out if the pair of them went straight back to the base.
Like Vilakins, I'm getting very curious about the background! I take it this is a peacetime army? Are the characters professional soldiers or young people doing military service?
Glad to be keeping people interested. Zack's a cadet in a British Army that's involved in a lot more overseas conflicts than the current one. Rob thought he'd be following the same Military School route, but was sent to boarding school at 13 as is more fitting for the son of a leading politician.
Campbell is one of Zack's instructors, and has seen service overseas, before being injured and returning to Harrogate to teach the cadets. And Zoe has no real interest in the military beyond being from a military family, but I can see her developing an (innocent) affection for Campbell as the main events of the story unfold.
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ninetydegrees
no subject
on 2009-11-07 07:26 am (UTC)Music II:
The read-through proceeded straightforwardly enough. Arthur, flipping through the script, was disappointed to discover how few lines he had. Elsa, of course, had the lion's share, followed by Dorsday. Arthur looked across at Brandhofer, and discovered the man was following the text with his finger, his lips moving silently as he read, and had to repress a contemptuous grin. The fellow was barely literate. Sure enough, when it came to reading his own lines aloud, Brandhofer stumbled over the longer words, his pronunciation a vile mixture of local dialect and proper German.
When he came to the end of Dorsday's proposal to Elsa – that he would pay off her father's gambling debts in return for being allowed to look at her naked for fifteen minutes – he looked up at the director, frowning in puzzlement.
"'Tain't right," he said. "He do be a right twisted one, this Dorsday. What does he want to be looking at little girls without their clothes on for?"
BPE (A bit of plotting. This fits in somewhere before Tommy orders Jim to seduce Dildo):
JIM: That creepy kid's still out there.
DILDO: Zoe?
JIM: How do you remember the names of all these losers?
DILDO: Maybe it's because I care?
JIM: Oh yeah, I forgot, you're a nice person. Well, Zoe the Zombie's watching the door, hoping to collar us when we come out. "Pleeeease, Mister, I wanna be on TeeeVeee!"
DILDO: Don't call her that. It's mean.
JIM: But she looks like a zombie. Did you see the way she shambles about? And her skin's that awful grey colour. What do you reckon she's got in that bag?
DILDO: All her worldly goods, probably. She's got "runaway" written all over her. Parents are alcoholics, I'd guess. Or she's got an abusive stepfather. Something like that.
JIM: Maybe it's her stepfather's head she's got in the bag. (Off DILDO'S LOOK) Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I'm not a nice person.
no subject
on 2009-11-07 10:48 am (UTC)I'm waiting for the scene when Jim gets slapped, several times ;)
no subject
on 2009-11-07 10:51 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 03:57 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 06:47 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-07 08:55 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-07 10:36 am (UTC)The Trykor's docking hatch led to a corridor somewhat similar to the Sedener's, but comparing the two would be like saying a tiger is just a bigger cat. It was considerably wider, enough to drive a few tanks through two abreast, and someone who wasn’t colour blind and completely without taste or imagination, had chosen dignified shades of blue and grey to colour its walls.
The greeting party, if that was what it was, outnumbered them by two to one. The Admiral - it was hard to mistake the row of stars stuck on his ranking strip - was a tall, imposing man with thinning brown hair and shrewd, judging grey eyes. Beside him was an officer, a sub-commander by rank, plus a lieutenant and an assortment of troopers wearing side arms.
Captain Tarn stood to attention as his own small party lined up behind him. "Admiral."
"Captain…Tarn, is it?"
"Yes, sir."
Verel's eyes raked the line behind him, homing in on Adrian's impassive face. "And Stannis?"
Tarn turned and introduced his men. "This is Lieutenant Stannis and…"
The Admiral said, "The Lieutenant will follow my first officer, Sub-Commander Chell."
"I don't understand, sir," Tarn looked uncertainly at the Admiral.
Verel was no longer paying attention to Tarn. His voice was like tempered metal as he addressed Adrian. "I expect my orders to be followed immediately, Lieutenant."
Chell said, "This way."
There was no reaction on Adrian's face as he followed the first officer. He no longer had any expectations, that way nothing could surprise him anymore. Four guards fell into step behind him. Kali was about to go after them but Bryce blocked her with a case.
Tarn said, “Admiral, the Lieutenant has agreed to cooperate, you...”
“Are you presuming to tell me what to do, Tarn?” Before the Admiral, the rest of them were faceless nuisances, without even benefit of rank.
“No, Admiral, I would never presume. It’s just...” Tarn was a prudent man, though less charitable, narrow-minded people might have a different name for him. “Nothing, sir.”
“Good. I was afraid you had something further to add.”
“No, nothing.”
“You’re dismissed.”
“Yes, sir.”
Captain Tarn looked briefly at Kali and then he turned and went back down the docking tunnel. A lonely figure fleeing the scene of battle.
no subject
on 2009-11-07 10:58 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 03:59 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 04:07 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 04:16 am (UTC)How come "Bryce"? The other names are very similar to the originals.
no subject
on 2009-11-08 04:18 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 04:20 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 04:23 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 04:29 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 04:30 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-07 11:25 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-07 06:39 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 04:21 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 11:37 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 04:33 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 11:38 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-07 07:03 pm (UTC)I added 410 new words to progress the story today, and added in a couple of pieces of exposition ito yesterday's work in response to
Today's extract:
Letting Zack have first use of the shower, Rob settled himself on the big bed, leaning back against the pillows and surveying the posters as he opened his beer. Zack's tastes hadn't changed much over the past two years. He still liked the old bands that he had been to see with his Dad. One or two newer ones had crept in amongst the densely packed pictures, but they followed the pattern of being instrumentalists that Zack's Dad might appreciate just as much.
Rob preferred random synth sounds to anything created deliberately by humans, but he would go to gigs with Zack when asked. Mostly Zoe came along too, although her taste in music was different again. She liked ancient stuff: Second-wave Psychobilly and Rocka-Rolla-Disco, although the latter seemed to be undergoing a revival right now with new songs by new bands, in the old style, appearing on some of the popular music streams.
He wondered what time Zoe would get back. Hopefully she would understand that Staff Sergeant Campbell had ordered him to stay here tonight, and not try to make him go home before Zack got back from training.
The shower stopped running, and a couple of minutes later Zack came into the room, towelling his hair dry, his skin flecked with drops of water.
“You'd better get yourself sorted out,” he said. “I can smell the smoke on your clothes from over here.” He opened a drawer, and pulled out a set of training casuals. “You can borrow these.” He threw them onto the bed, closing that drawer and opening another. “If you put your clothes through the machine now, they should be dry and pressed in time for breakfast.”
I still haven't got around to introducing Zoe, but hopefully she'll turn up tomorrow.
no subject
on 2009-11-08 04:04 am (UTC)I like the automatic cleaner and presser. I often think that future people will look back on today and wonder about all the tedious manual stuff we had to do. :-)
no subject
on 2009-11-08 07:52 am (UTC)Rob's the Prime Minister's son, and was at military school with Zack until two years earlier, when his father decided to send him to boarding school.
Glad you like the little details
no subject
on 2009-11-08 07:58 am (UTC)I like world-building. :-)
no subject
on 2009-11-08 08:24 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 04:35 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 07:53 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 06:41 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-11-08 08:01 am (UTC)Campbell is one of Zack's instructors, and has seen service overseas, before being injured and returning to Harrogate to teach the cadets. And Zoe has no real interest in the military beyond being from a military family, but I can see her developing an (innocent) affection for Campbell as the main events of the story unfold.